


he wouldn’t like me.

by kamrynmustdie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys Kissing, Coming Out, Fluff, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, at points i guess, can’t remember if i mentioned the rest of the group, changbin is a dick, fluff?, is that a thing i sure hope so, kissing!!, probably lol just assume i did, references to one at least so be careful if that bothers you, sorry about that, supportive skz!!!, teen for swearing and kinda heavy topics?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-23 01:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17071163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamrynmustdie/pseuds/kamrynmustdie
Summary: “he’d think i was gross if he ever found out i liked him.”or,jeongin had really hoped for support when he came out. for the most part, he got it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> kam can’t write angst, part 2! this was requested by my friend annie, just like that felix/chan fic from a while back. she likes angst more than i do, and doesn’t realise i suck at it, so here’s this.
> 
> this is told in small snippets rather than one constant linear thing, like most of my works, but it’s all chronological, i just like time skips.
> 
> i mentioned in the tags but i’ll restate here: i do describe a panic attack of sorts here, so read with care if that’s sensitive for you. there’s also a fair bit of homophobia, so watch out for that too. other than that, there’s your usual cliché happy ending and my inability to correct character flaws!
> 
> hope you enjoy.

hyunjin was giggling.

_giggling._

how dare he? that’s so fucking cute he-

no, he’d promised himself not to think like that.

jeongin sighed, watching as hyunjin covered his wide smile with a hand and leaned into felix’s shoulder.

he shouldn’t feel like this.

felix said something else - jeongin didn’t catch what, too busy staring at the other boy in awe - and hyunjin laughed again, loud and bright, making jeongin’s heart clench.

he was so fucked.

•

see, this wasn’t a new thing. he’d been feeling all sorts of awfully romantic feelings towards the older boy for a while, too scared to admit to himself what they might mean.

every loving stare came with a moment of self-hatred. this was  
wrong, he knew.

but why would he fall so deeply if it was so wrong?

jeongin shook himself. it was late already, he needed sleep.

it was hard to fall asleep when his head was such a mess.

•

if there was one thing jeongin liked about hyunjin, it was the way he was able to transition from soft and cute to badass and - dare he say it - hot.

(that is, assuming he didn’t like everything to do with the older boy.)

he gazed on as hyunjin smiled at whatever dumb thing chan was saying, the weird gestures minho was doing, focusing on the way the older boy’s eyes formed crescents when he smiled, how he raised a hand to cover his open mouth as he laughed. he laughed easily, jeongin had noticed, hearing him giggle at the littlest things at any given moment - it was cute, much like everything else about him, and it never failed to make the youngest member smile, too.

their comeback track began to play, a distant sound to jeongin as he tuned out everything but the boy he liked.

shit, was he admitting he liked hyunjin? he couldn’t, he wouldn’t let himself. if he ever found out...

he shivered, feet taking him to his starting position without him having to think another it. hyunjin would surely hate him if he knew, he had to. if he didn’t, the other members would, and he’d be kicked out either way.

•

“what’s on your mind?”

it was chan; he always knew something was up, even when it wasn’t obvious to anyone else.

“..just zoning out, hyung.”

jeongin wasn’t lying, per se, he had been completely out of it before chan has nudged him, but that wasn’t the entire issue.

he had a feeling he’d have to get used to dodging questions.

“anything bothering you? wanna talk? you know i’m always here.”

jeongin managed a smile, but they both knew it was forced. “i know. thanks, hyung.” he moved into chan’s open arms, letting the older embrace him in a warm hug. this was something that had grown uncommon with their approaching comeback - as much as he didn’t want to admit it, he’d missed hugging their leader, whether it came after brutal heart to hearts or just out of the blue.

“hope you’re okay, in-ah.”

it was whispered into his hair, the hug not easing up. without a second thought, jeongin buried his head in the elder man’s chest, sighing contentedly.

“i’m okay. let’s just... stay like this for a while.”

chan hummed in agreement. maybe this could take jeongin’s mind off things, at least for a little while.

•

“what’s with you staring at hyunjin-hyung so much, innie?”

jeongin froze. he hadn’t been prepared to actually talk about whatever this was.

“i-“

“-scared he’s better than you?”

it was so much easier to lie when somebody else put the words in his mouth.

“yeah,” he replied with a hesitant nod, “that’s it.”

he sounded unsure, even to his own ears. hopefully felix was too oblivious to pick up on it.

(hyunjin certainly was.)

“c’mon, show me what’s up, i’ll walk you through it.”

jeongin shot a furtive glance towards hyunjin - the older boy was running through the choreography, marking most of his movements and yet still managing to look so perfect - and looked back to felix, who raised his eyebrows in concern.

“stop putting yourself down, idiot.” the insult came laced with affection, and jeongin knew it was meant with kindness. “we’re going through this.”

•

when changbin found jeongin, the younger was sat on his bed, staring aimlessly at the wall, eyes glazed over.

obviously, this was something to worry about; what had gotten into him? why was he on changbin’s bed, not his own, and why did he seem so distracted?

“jeongin?”

no answer. he couldn’t tell if jeongin was even breathing, he was so still. he repeated himself, louder this time, and the younger snapped around to face him, shocked by the sudden disturbance.

“you good?”

jeongin was not good, he could tell, but he couldn’t just accuse him like that.

surprisingly, instead of denying, jeongin nodded with a put-out sounding sigh.

“i’ve never been less good, to be honest.” he laughed, but there was no humour to it. “how do i get rid of feelings?”

feelings..? changbin wasn’t good at those. he moved to sit across from jeongin on the bed, extending a hand as a form of comfort. jeongin took it, cold fingers lacing with his. his hand was shaking.

“you like someone?”

“no shit, hyung. how do i make it stop?”

changbin tilted his head, deep in thought. he tried to ignore who jeongin might like, instead focusing on how he got over people.

“why do you need to stop, can’t you just... confess? i’m sure she’d like you, you’re yang jeongin, for fuck’s sake.”

jeongin blanched, shaking his head vigorously, hand clutching changbin’s tighter.

“he’s not gonna like me back, hyung, he’s way too good for me.”

a pause.

changbin wasn’t saying anything. why wasn’t he saying anything?

“and he’d think i was gross if he ever found out i liked him-“

“-he?”

“i have feelings for a boy, hyung. how awful is that?”

jeongin stopped, eyes wide. he’d said too much, he should never have-

“you don’t, in-ah.”

huh? he was pretty sure he knew what he was feeling.

“you sure you don’t just wanna be friends with him? you’re probably just confused.”

jeongin frowned. “we’re already friends, hyung, that’s the issue. i can’t ruin that.”

shaking his head, changbin let go of jeongin’s hand. “then you’re all set, that’s it. you can’t like him like that, that’s not how.. liking someone works. you like girls, jeongin, i know you do. you know you do.”

jeongin felt tears welling up, tried his best not to let them fall. he couldn’t show how badly this was affecting him.

“you know how you feel when you see a girl you like, hyung?”

a nod.

“tell me that’s not how you feel when you look at boys, jeongin, that’s... gay. you’re not gay.”

“well, maybe i am gay.”

changbin stood, not looking jeongin in the eye, and left without another word.

•

it was bad to isolate himself, he knew. still, he couldn’t bring himself to face the other members, knowing there was a possibility they’d treat him like-

like changbin had.

jeongin shuddered, the words the elder had said flooding back to him. he’d hoped for support, he really had, and instead... he’d made changbin hate him.

he heard voices outside his room, quiet with concern for who could hear.

“he’s been so.. off.. with us recently-“

were they talking about him?

“he might just be stressed, hyung.”

he picked out jisung’s voice, obviously trying to reassure their leader that he was fine.

“bullshit, sung, we’re all stressed.” there was chan, worried as ever. “should i check in on him? i feel like he needs it.”

jeongin rolled his eyes - he really didn’t need it, actually. he was fine ignoring the group and keeping to himself as much as possible.

they didn’t need to know what was bothering him. they’d disown him for it anyway.

•

“did i tell you, jeongin came to me the other day-“

oh, _fuck._ changbin was talking about that, now, was he? he was really going to ridicule jeongin in front of the whole group?

“-he’s like ‘hyung, i need your advice’, like i’m a good person to come to-“

he hadn’t realised jeongin was even there, gesturing animatedly to woojin as he recounted exactly what had happened between them.

except, it wasn’t what had happened; it was changbin’s twisted version of events, constructed specifically to make jeongin look bad.

what was the point?

“‘hyung, i like boys,’ like i’m gonna know what to do about that? obviously, i couldn’t just be like ‘that’s gross, get away from me’-“

woojin, in his defence, looked unimpressed by what he was being told, which either meant he didn’t agree with changbin’s words or-

or that he was equally disgusted by jeongin.

jeongin really hoped it was the former.

minho had joined them, listening interestedly to changbin, none of them noticing him stood at the sidelines, holding back tears.

“so i’m like, ‘you can’t be like that, it’s wrong,’ and he actually seemed disappointed? like he thought i’d support him?”

hyunjin had been pointedly ignoring the commotion, practicing like they all should have been.

he was the only one who watched jeongin’s retreating form half-collapse into the toilets.

•

when hyunjin found him, he was almost unconscious; his head was spinning, dizzy with the tears that just wouldn’t stop falling, knees weak with the sinking feeling that his group would reject him.

he hadn’t made it into a cubicle, shaky arms propping him against the sinks as he let his sobs wrack his fragile body, sweat-damp forehead resting against the cool mirror. this was it, he was done for. he was out of the group, out of the company, excluded from society as a whole-

“hey.”

he forced his head to turn, red eyes locking with hyunjin’s.

of fucking course. out of all the people, _him._

“don’t hate me.”

his voice was wrecked, throat sore with the cries that still threatened to escape.

“i’m sorry.”

subconsciously, jeongin shifted away from the older male, putting as much distance between them as possible. it was the least he could do to make him feel comfortable.

hyunjin cocked his head, confused, soft eyes never leaving jeongin’s shaking form. his fingers trembled as he rubbed his tired eyes, and he avoided eye contact at all costs, hazy eyes locked on the grimy floor of the toilets, his worn practice shoes.

“breathe, in-ah.”

hyunjin’s voice was steady, heavily contrasting the way jeongin struggled for breath, and he began to slowly count to five and back, smiling gently when jeongin tried to match his breathing to the counts.

they stayed like this for a while - two minutes, two hours, they weren’t sure - but slowly, surely, jeongin’s breath came down to its normal rate, and his lips weren’t shaking anymore. hyunjin would take that as a success.

he opened his arms, waiting for the younger to fall into the embrace like he always did, but nothing came; jeongin shied away, shaking his head violently. frowning, hyunjin beckoned silently, giving a small shrug. he was almost scared to break the silence that had fallen across them, relying on his body language to tell jeongin that he could touch him, it was okay.

still, jeongin resisted, clearly convinced the elder wouldn’t really want him. hyunjin let his arms fall, instead checking his phone for the time, wincing when he saw they’d been in there close to an hour.

\- from: bin-hyung  
where did u go

\- from: jin-hyung (2)  
where’s innie????

with you??

\- from: minnie  
we lost jeongin r u with him

\- from: leader-hyungie (6)  
hwang hyunjin i s2g if you’re not with jeongin

srsly we can’t find him anywhere

did you see him go??

HYUNJIN PLEASE ANSWER

the bathroom was locked but i guess that’s where you are

but where is jeongin we need to speak to him like NOW

hyunjin looked up from the onslaught of messages, seeing jeongin falling asleep against the wall, clearly worn out from crying so much.

\- to: leader-hyungie  
i’ve got him. tell the others not to worry

with that, he pocketed his phone, manoeuvring himself to semi-safely hoist jeongin’s sleeping form onto his back, carrying him in some kind of piggy-back fashion to their dorm.

•

jeongin woke in a daze. where was he? what happened? why was the entire group staring down at him like they were worried-

“you with us?”

chan’s voice was gentle, and jeongin was grateful. his headache was giving him too much pain to deal with much else.

“just say you hate me.”

chan bit his lip, a nervous habit, as his brow furrowed in concern.

“why would we?”

jeongin didn’t respond right away, looking around. he was in bed, in his room at the dorm, which was reassuring. the entire group was assembled there, which wasn’t so reassuring. what happened to him?

oh, right. changbin was telling the rest of the members how gross it was that he was gay. that’s what happened.

“jeongin-ah? why would we ever hate you?”

felix spoke up then, confusion clear in his tired voice. jeongin hated how sad they all seemed.

“i’m-“ he choked on the word, afraid to voice what he was feeling. speaking it made it real.

“he’s gay, is what he’s trying to say.”

chan turned to the sudden voice in the doorway, expression clouding over as he realised it was changbin.

“didn’t i tell you to stay out of this? i’ll talk to you in a fucking minute.” he turned back to jeongin, sighing heavily. he felt like he was controlling an argument between two toddlers.

“jeongin-ah, you like... boys?”

jeongin flinched at the word, nodding regardless. there was no point trying to deny it anymore.

“well, that’s that sorted then,” chan smiled softly, getting up to leave the room. “now, bin, the fuck?”

•

nothing had changed. that was perhaps the strangest part; jeongin had expected the other members to reject his presence, even if they claimed to be okay with his sexuality. they still hugged him regardless, perhaps more now they knew he’d been struggling, still spoke to him like everything was the same. in a way, it was: the only change he’d made was that he’d been open about who he was. he still got kisses on the cheek from jisung, still had felix holding his hands, still went to chan for comfort.

they accepted him so fully, he was almost overwhelmed by it. he’d anticipated their hatred, their blunt comments, their subtle avoidance, yet he’d gotten none of it. even changbin, who made no secret of his contempt for jeongin’s ‘choices’, was surprisingly civil with him. apparently, after a stern talk with chan, his views had changed enough for him to accept jeongin regardless, but he honestly doubted somebody could convert so easily.

he’d been so zoned out he hadn’t even registered hyunjin’s presence on the bed next to him.

oh, that was another thing that hadn’t changed. jeongin still lost track of time staring at the older boy, whether he was being cute, dancing flawlessly, or practicing a rap. he was just so enticing, almost asking to be watched. hwang hyunjin was stunning, in every sense of the word, and jeongin could do little but admire everything he did, never voicing his feelings.

the others had started to notice, jeongin seeing felix nudge minho mid-dance practice to point out how jeongin was staring - again - and how jisung smiled knowingly whenever jeongin would look over at the dancer.

the boy himself, however? oblivious as anything.

shit, he was zoning out again.

“in-ah? you in there?”

this whole setup, from how hyunjin was sat on jeongin’s bed to how he fiddled nervously with the sheets, was far too familiar.

jeongin looked up, locking eyes with the elder he adored so much. he was sure he was blushing, and hoped hyunjin wouldn’t notice.

“sorry i didn’t realise sooner, y’know?”

jeongin didn’t know, actually - what was he meant to say to that? hyunjin didn’t sense his concern, carrying on anyway.

“and sorry i couldn’t stop bin-hyung from saying all that, it hurt me too.”

he was officially lost. why would hyunjin be hurt-

“it hit close to home for me, and it wasn’t even directed at me, so i can’t imagine-“

“thank you, hyung.”

hyunjin stopped mid-sentence, brow furrowing adorably as he processed jeongin’s quiet words.

“for what? being gay?”

“well, i was going to thank you for helping me that day in the bathroom but- wait,” jeongin paused, realising what the other boy was implying, “you too?”

hyunjin nodded shyly, extending a hand to hold jeongin’s. this time, neither of them was shaking, and they laced their fingers together like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“i like you.”

jeongin didn’t mean to say that, really, the words just... came out before he could think about them. either way, hyunjin was blushing, which was cute, if nothing else.

“sorry, it’s just, i have for a while and- i thought- i’m sorry, forget i said-“

a hesitant smile took over the elder’s face, and he broke their eye contact to look at their entwined hands.

“you’re so fuckin’ _cute_ , you know that?”

hyunjin’s voice was light, disbelieving, as he took in what jeongin was telling him.

“i thought it was obvious because all the other members noticed...” he trailed off as hyunjin shook his head with a smile, hand squeezing jeongin’s tighter.

“i wouldn’t have guessed, to be honest. but i’m glad,” he paused, taking a deep breath, when jeongin interrupted.

“this is where you tell me you like me too and it’s all cliché, right?”  
his tone suggested he was joking, as did the smug grin on his face, but hyunjin looked taken aback.

“it is, actually, how did you know?”

“i mean, i was just hazarding a guess, but if you want to date me, i’m here for it.” he let out a nervous laugh as he spoke, no longer worrying about what he was saying. he’d embarrass himself no matter what.

hyunjin giggled with him, free hand covering his mouth in the way jeongin had always adored.

he was giggling.

_giggling._

that was so fucking cute, how dare he-

jeongin could kiss him.

wait, why not? what was stopping him?

“can i kiss you?”

hyunjin nodded, leaning in, suddenly shy all over again.

jeongin let his eyes slip shut as their lips met, brushing together softly, traces of hesitancy evident in both of them.

•

felix peeked into jeongin’s room, eyes wide as he saw hyunjin’s hands cupping jeongin’s face, watched jeongin rest his arms over hyunjin’s shoulders, the two kissing each other gently.

realising he was staring, he rushed away, finding jisung in the kitchen and wordlessly slipping him ₩20,000.

jisung looked at him smugly, knowing what he’d seen - knowing felix had been hoping they’d wait a while before confessing.

“told you they’d kiss before the week was out.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the new couple are adorable, as expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uh this is messy? but some people requested a sequel (thank you so much for your lovely comments, i love you guys!!) so i figured i’d give it a shot. this is pure fluff but it also might not make a lot of sense as i wrote it while sleep deprived. apologies for that, but anyway, hope you enjoy, let me know if it was okay, and thanks for reading!

“i still can’t believe you thanked me for being gay.”

jeongin groaned at hyunjin’s words, hitting playfully at the elder. “for the last time, i did not-“

with a grin, hyunjin grabbed jeongin’s hands, holding them to his chest. “okay, you thanked me for wanting to support you, whatever, except you totally thanked me for being gay.”

he kissed each of jeongin’s knuckles with that same smug grin, making it incredibly difficult for the younger to be annoyed with him.

“i just wanted to say i appreciated the fact you wanted to defend me, hyung, leave me alone.” there was no bite to his words, however, and hyunjin pulled him into a hug before he could say anything else, spooning him as they lay in the younger’s bed.

“you know i’ll always look out for you, in-ah.” hyunjin’s voice was soft all of a sudden, more serious, and jeongin relaxed in his arms.

“i feel insecure saying thank you, now, you’ve ruined it for me.”

that made hyunjin giggle, and jeongin smiled widely at the sound. leaning up slightly, he pressed a gentle kiss to hyunjin’s jaw, seeing the elder blush at the brief contact.

“you’re cute when you blush, hyungie.”

“what have we said about not calling me hyungie?”

jeongin shrugged, feigning innocence. “it makes you soft and you can’t deal with that?”

hyunjin rolled his eyes. “you’re lucky you’re cute, jeongin, or i’d have kicked you out of this bed by now.”

jeongin looked back at hyunjin once more, sighing. “you love me.”

there was a pause, a moment of comfortable silence as the words hung in the small space between them.

“perhaps i do.”

the words came with a kiss to the top of jeongin’s head, and the younger felt warm.

“love you, i mean.”

hyunjin almost stuttered in a rush to clarify his words, as if their meaning wasn’t already obvious. sitting up, jeongin faced him properly, leaning in until their faces were almost touching.

“i love you too, idiot.”

the words were so overused, so cliché, but jeongin couldn’t bring himself to care; with a soft exhale, he connected their lips, kissing hyunjin gently, tentatively.

kissing, in general, was still a new concept for them, but they were learning together, through the push and pull of who took control, the give and take of how deep things went, the placement and re-placement of their unsure hands. there could be a warm pair of palms cupping jeongin’s cheeks, a bony set of fingers digging into hyunjin’s hip, hesitant arms over each other’s shoulders, soft tugs at each other’s hair.

now, things were gentle, pleasant, jeongin leaned over hyunjin’s slouched body as they kissed, atmosphere calm and comfortable as time seemed to slow around them, each lost in each other.

of course, breathing was a thing they had to think about, hyunjin gasping as he pulled away, eyes filled with affection towards the younger boy.

“fuck, i love you.”

jeongin stared right back at him, dazed expression mirroring hyunjin’s as they stared into each other’s eyes, getting their breath back.

“not to be generic, but yeah, same.”

hyunjin pushed him off the bed.

“you ruin every moment!”

jeongin sat up, giving hyunjin his best death stare - failing, because he was still so infatuated with the elder, no matter how much he tried to hide it.

“you’re the one spouting romantic bullshit!”

“yeah, well, it’s true.”

jeongin couldn’t argue with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how was it? did i do a good job of their dynamic, are there things i could improve? let me know, i love feedback, i thrive off of comments and kudos and love... and thanks again to reading, and for leaving such nice comments on the first chapter, i was super nervous to post this in the first place but getting support makes me so happy - i can’t thank you enough!! as always, my cc is [here](https://curiouscat.me/kamwrites) if you want to hit me up there :-)

**Author's Note:**

> so, how was it? did it make sense? was changbin’s homophobia too easily let go, and should i have explained more about how his views changed? give me some constructive criticism in the comments and also let me know what you liked about it! i love kudos and i adore reading and replying to comments, so be sure to leave me some if you enjoyed it. thanks for reading! my cc is [here](https://curiouscat.me/kamwrites) if you wanna drop me some asks or prompts or something, or you can comment them :-)


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